Angry Youth! Blog

March 6, 2008

Dusk-A Teenage Vampire’s Black Hole Heart

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , , , , , — mikeyc252 @ 11:40 pm

The sky turned purple as the glowing crimson sphere sank below the field in front of them. Midnight Lightning the vampire and her goblin boyfriend Brian were on a date. Midnight Lightning was beautiful, elegant, stunning. Her pitch black hair contrasted against pearl white skin. Her eyes were like bright red marbles, except more red. Her slim physique rested daintily on a mossy rock, making sure to keep her ripped and chained black clothing off the dirty ground. She turned to study Brian.

Brian was a stunning. Stunningly dirty. He wore a simple potato sack dumped over sagging shoulders. He sat awkwardly next to her, his knees glued awkwardly together swinging awkwardly his awkwardly large feet. His face was like a raw meat patty massaged by steak knives. His hair reminded Midnight Lightning of grass in the coldest winter. He had good character though.

“Midnight Lightning, I love you so much, you have no idea. You think you do? You don’t. You know nothing,” He awkwardly remarked.

“Cool.” Midnight Lightning pulled out a phone and texted a werewolf friend of hers. She rolled her eyes. She was far too sophisticated to be dating this country bumpkin.

“Midnight Lightning, I love you more than the number of moons Venus has, or the ounces of peanut butter I had for lunch, or the number of different kinds of Kodiak bear.” He truly had a way with words.

“Agh.” Midnight Lightning clearly wasn’t having a good time.

Suddenly a dark figure appeared on the horizon! It radiated in front of the slow-setting sun and began to gallop majestically towards the couple. The figure was a gorgeous majestic centaur. Sleek fur covered his lower body. A sculpted chest led to a sharp visage and long flowing locks.

“Wow. You’re so cute. Let me give you my number, so you can text me, then call me, then we’ll hang out, then you’ll ask me out… lol!” Midnight Lightning was lovestruck.

“It’s Francis. Well all right chick, we’ll get loose later. First lose the Charley.” He was incredibly suave.

“Sweet!” Midnight Lightning jumped on his back and the rode into the sunset. She turned around, and with a mixed look of regret and joy, called back “See you tomorrow…Not!”

Brian was left sitting on the mossy rock alone in his despair. His tiny hands curled into tiny fists. His face now resembled a very angry meat patty.

“I can’t take this. I won’t. I resolve not to take this. At all. From now on, I won’t take it. I did before but now, no. Absolutely not.” Brian figured his best chances to win Midnight Lightning back from the suave centaur rested on the help of his wizard friend Trevor. He left the old mossy rock, set his Facebook status to “@ Trevor’s, txt plz!” though he knew no one would text him or even know his number and that he wouldn’t get it, because he didn’t have a phone.
He was shocked by Trevor’s untidy appearance at the door. Only his recent heart failures and strokes outnumbered his facial wrinkles. His stature reminded Brian of a outstretched coat hanger. His eyes were like old chocolate pudding, his hair like snowy confetti string. He was senile. And very old.

“It’s great to see you again Brian, what can I do for you?”

“Look Trevor, I understand you might have trouble understanding me, but this is urgent!” Brain stepped through the door and inspected the room. It was neatly organized with complicated math equations, ancient artifacts and sciency-science equipment. What a crazy loon.

“I have to win back the object of my affection!”

“Courting the ladies, I see. Just make sure not to put too much faith in them. Women are evil by nature. What would you like me to do?”

“Cast a spell to make her like me or something, I don’t know, you’re pretty old but pretty magical, you must know something useful!” Brian was clearly losing patience with this senile old man.

“I know-I’ll make you transform into dragon!” Trevor thought turning someone into a dragon would be quite funny.

“What level?” Brian was getting enthusiastic.

“89! And you can breath fire!”

“Ok go!” Trevor turned Brian into a lv. 89 fire-breathing dragon.

“This pwns.” With that, Brian soared into the sky to meet his destiny.

Meanwhile in the vampire corral, Midnight Lightning and her centaur boy-toy were having a splendid time discussing the Baroque art of Caravaggio and the poetry of Walt Whitman at the local Cafe Kool.

“I just really dig Caracci’s style more though. It’s really just my kind of bag.” He was as worldly as he was suave.

“Yeah seriously.”

Suddenly Brian the lv. 89 fire-breathing dragon appeared in the door of the cafe! And he was quite enraged!

“Cool it baby, I got this.”

The lv. 89 fire-breathing dragon cried out in anger. “I love you Midnight Lightning! Can’t you realize we’re meant to be together! It’s written in the stars! Or at least a tree we carved into and ensured the contraction of a disease due to a lack external protection! Let’s run away and get married on a beach my apple dumpling! Also Francis I’m going to rip your liver out with a chainsaw, smash it with a hammer, then feed it to you. Then punch you.”

Francis recovered from the brutal verbal onslaught and responded. “Fine. We’ll run a winner-take-all cagematch. Except I got no cage. You’re endsville Brian!”

Brian the lv. 89 fire-breathing dragon flared his lv. 89 nostrils. “Ok fine. 3-2-1-GO!” He immediately caught poor Francis off-guard with his lv. 89 fire-breath. The bright flames engulfed the helpless centaur in a ball of living hell. He killed him. Then ate him and spit out his hair. It was a wig, ragged and torn by Brian’s lv. 89 teeth.

Midnight Lightning was upset. “I can’t believe you did that. You’re really mean. I’m not talking to you until you call me 50 times and buy me some cheap plastic crap.”

Brian was taken aback. “You mean I turned into a lv. 89 dragon for no reason? And…kinda ate someone? Don’t you love me?”

Midnight Lightning raised her head. He eyes were overflowing with tears over a lost hot guy. Her perviously lush hair now hung raggedly in grief. She kept her head low and muttered slowly…

“Basically no.”

Brian stumbled wildly. He saw his insignificant life flash before him in IMAX 3D. The soundtrack was good. All the blood and sweat and tears he had shed, and killed centaurs, had been for nothing? His life was over. He did the unthinkable-blame it on someone else.

“TREVOR! I’m coming for you!”

Luckily the wise wizard was very wise and had bugged the entire town years earlier. He decided to send his favorite Pegasus, Bootsy, to go drop some mustard gas on the area, as a “pre-emptive strike.”

Brian stumbled to where Midnight Lightning lay in fear.

“Midnight Lightning I’m so sorry! Please! You must love me!” Then he heard the flapping of Bootsy’s wings. He turned his head and spotted the dangerous Pegasus directly over him, then a yellow gas spray from an attached sprinkler.

“Midnight Lightning-you have to listen to me! That mean-looking Pegasus just dropped mustard gas! It’s now or never! And that Francis was kinda kooky anyway.”

Midnight Lightning looked in his eyes. Hers were filled with love and admiration for her brave soldier.

“Brian…I’ll…I’ll…you’re kinda cute…” Her voice was faltering.

By then the mustard gas had lowered to the ground.

“This is it Brian…I…I…” Her eyes were losing their luster.

A voice boomed from the sky. It sounded like Trevors.

‘HEY! THE EFFECTS OF MUSTARD GAS DON’T OCCUR UNTIL FOUR HOURS AFTER EXPOSURE! You’re not dead yet!”

Brian heaved a sigh of relief. “So what do you want to do for four hours until we develop fatal blisters?”

“Oh I don’t know…Let’s just cuddle. For four hours. I think it’ll be cute.”

“Anything for you my dear.” He held her in his dirty lanky arms until they developed fatal blisters and died.

The wise wizard was perched in his surveillance headquarters. He was eating a buttered poppyseed muffin and admiring Bootsy.

“I would’ve liked to have conversed with Francis about fine topics, like maybe his favorite British tea. Oh well. Be a dear Bootsy, go and bury or destroy the carcasses.”

The winged horse spread its ivory wings and began to gallop down the tiny room. He leaped gracefully from the window and caught an air column, majestically soaring against the dark violet sky towards the blistered carcasses of the star-crossed lovers.

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March 5, 2008

Bold Explorers

Filed under: Life — mikeyc252 @ 2:02 am

The forecast was cold and rainy but I was going hiking. We were traveling to Hoosier National Forest for a weekend during Christmas break. This was special because no scout leaders were supervising us.
My mom, being a woman, naturally objected but my dad insisted it would be a good experience. I spend $50 the night before on granola bars, handwarmers, Cheez-Its, pretzels, gloves, a backpack-mounted water bottle, a dehydrated spaghetti meal and sunflower seeds. My dad’s offer of his Christmas candy touched me but I managed to recover some Hersheys from the pantry.
The next morning I woke up too early and continued packing-I couldn’t decide whether to bring a large inflatable mat. My packing motto is what doesn’t kill you on the trip there makes you more comfortable when you break camp. I regretted the decision about 30 seconds later.
The first thing we did on arrival was head to the firetower to plan our route. It was at least twenty stories tall. As I scaled the tower I ran my gloved hands up the damp for support. By the time I got down the $20 Dri-Fit gloves were soaking wet.
We finally decided on a route that took us several miles to Lake Monroe and then back. I don’t remember how many miles it was supposed to be. For those who are slow: This is an obvious foreshadowing that the trip didn’t go as planned.
We passed a small group as we started nonchalantly down the trail. It’s a strange feeling going down a secluded trail-you’ve got the whole trail in front of you but nothing to the side of you. The trail slowly narrowed. It was very damp and pine needles covered the untread areas.
Although the trip wasn’t sponsored by our troop, it began as though it was-wet, and with me losing or almost losing one of my possessions. This time it was a knife and maglite I wittingly strapped through my backpack belt loop. A little later I regretted overdressing. My friends donned sleek North Face jackets while I had brought a sweatshirt and coat, both which I currently wore.
Trouble started brewing when we encountered an open field. The trail had narrowed to nothing at all. For 30 minutes we stood and worried while Ross searched for a trail. Eventually he found a “trail” that went in the general direction we had started. Half of us veteran Boy Scouts had a compass on us but using it never crossed our mind.
We progressed up and down hills as the trail got smaller and smaller. At times when we lost the trail, we would simply find a spot with less leaves than the other spots and claim it was a “trail.” We even encountered a useful sign that simply said “trail.” We didn’t seem to be heading towards a lake. We didn’t know how far we had gone or in which direction.
“Are you sure these trails aren’t dry creek beds?”
“Uh I don’t know.”
“Maybe this is a game trail.”
“Yeah maybe.”
My coat was soaking wet, my phone had no service, and my pack was too heavy. I entertained myself during this dark period by eating sunflower seeds. I had a blast spitting them out. I imagined us dying in this forsaken forest and the search teams finding our remains by the trail of sunflower seeds I had left.
Finally at 1:30 we had to make a decision. We had been walking for about 3 hours in a direction we didn’t know. It would get dark at about 5. We still had to set up camp and eat dinner. We finally picked an appetizingly steep hill to scale and stay for the night. First thing I did was set up Ross’s Lilliputian hiking tent that I’d be sharing with him.
As soon as the tent was up I was in my sleeping bag eating junk food. The intrepid explorer Ross decided to look for the lake himself. By himself. I hope none of my scout leaders ever read this-sending one person to look for a possibly non-existent lake from an unknown location isn’t the most responsible idea.
I continued to eat junk food and feel sorry for myself when Ross got back. He had found the lake. Meanwhile two other group members were trying to start a fire to get cook their dehydrated meals. They cut down a live tree, which was a blast to watch. Emergencies call for emergency measures. I never even opened my dehydrated meal.
The next morning I didn’t get out of my tent until about nine. Since I crawled into my sleeping bag at about three, I had spent eighteen hours cramped in a tent. Now we had a decision to make-should we try to backtrack and then plan a new route? Or try to find the lake (Ross said he could “probably” find it) and then take a normal route back?
My survival rests on our decision to do the former. We made good time, I ate more junk food.
As the trail widened, the source of our mishaps became clear. The metal bar we had unwittingly gone past when we started. Another wider trail to the side, in the exact direction of the trail going from the fire tower. A sign indicating hiking and camping on the wider side trail.
Of course we couldn’t find ourselves on the map-we weren’t on a marked trail. Half the time we were on game trails and half the time we were most likely following creek beds. We judged by the distance to the lake that we didn’t cover more than five miles.
I blame this on everyone but me-I was in the back. Our wonderful leader Ross should’ve seen the sign. We drove to the bathroom and discussed whether we should go home or try another trail. We made that decision in about three seconds. We drove home through IU and got lost there too. Luckily Ross had an invaluable asset-his alumni parents. We made it out.
My gloves still weren’t dry by the time I got home. The Cheez-Its remained unopened. That weekend had turned me into a man, or at least a boy with common sense enough to use a compass.

March 1, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — mikeyc252 @ 3:49 pm

Researchers discover gene that blocks HIV from PhysOrg.com
A team of researchers at the University of Alberta has discovered a gene that is able to block HIV, and in turn prevent the onset of AIDS.

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Of course there seems to be great news regarding AIDS every couple of weeks. But still, this makes you optimistic.

Let’s just hope the test subjects don’t turn into aggressive nocturnal zombies.

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