Angry Youth! Blog

March 6, 2008

Dusk-A Teenage Vampire’s Black Hole Heart

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , , , , , — mikeyc252 @ 11:40 pm

The sky turned purple as the glowing crimson sphere sank below the field in front of them. Midnight Lightning the vampire and her goblin boyfriend Brian were on a date. Midnight Lightning was beautiful, elegant, stunning. Her pitch black hair contrasted against pearl white skin. Her eyes were like bright red marbles, except more red. Her slim physique rested daintily on a mossy rock, making sure to keep her ripped and chained black clothing off the dirty ground. She turned to study Brian.

Brian was a stunning. Stunningly dirty. He wore a simple potato sack dumped over sagging shoulders. He sat awkwardly next to her, his knees glued awkwardly together swinging awkwardly his awkwardly large feet. His face was like a raw meat patty massaged by steak knives. His hair reminded Midnight Lightning of grass in the coldest winter. He had good character though.

“Midnight Lightning, I love you so much, you have no idea. You think you do? You don’t. You know nothing,” He awkwardly remarked.

“Cool.” Midnight Lightning pulled out a phone and texted a werewolf friend of hers. She rolled her eyes. She was far too sophisticated to be dating this country bumpkin.

“Midnight Lightning, I love you more than the number of moons Venus has, or the ounces of peanut butter I had for lunch, or the number of different kinds of Kodiak bear.” He truly had a way with words.

“Agh.” Midnight Lightning clearly wasn’t having a good time.

Suddenly a dark figure appeared on the horizon! It radiated in front of the slow-setting sun and began to gallop majestically towards the couple. The figure was a gorgeous majestic centaur. Sleek fur covered his lower body. A sculpted chest led to a sharp visage and long flowing locks.

“Wow. You’re so cute. Let me give you my number, so you can text me, then call me, then we’ll hang out, then you’ll ask me out… lol!” Midnight Lightning was lovestruck.

“It’s Francis. Well all right chick, we’ll get loose later. First lose the Charley.” He was incredibly suave.

“Sweet!” Midnight Lightning jumped on his back and the rode into the sunset. She turned around, and with a mixed look of regret and joy, called back “See you tomorrow…Not!”

Brian was left sitting on the mossy rock alone in his despair. His tiny hands curled into tiny fists. His face now resembled a very angry meat patty.

“I can’t take this. I won’t. I resolve not to take this. At all. From now on, I won’t take it. I did before but now, no. Absolutely not.” Brian figured his best chances to win Midnight Lightning back from the suave centaur rested on the help of his wizard friend Trevor. He left the old mossy rock, set his Facebook status to “@ Trevor’s, txt plz!” though he knew no one would text him or even know his number and that he wouldn’t get it, because he didn’t have a phone.
He was shocked by Trevor’s untidy appearance at the door. Only his recent heart failures and strokes outnumbered his facial wrinkles. His stature reminded Brian of a outstretched coat hanger. His eyes were like old chocolate pudding, his hair like snowy confetti string. He was senile. And very old.

“It’s great to see you again Brian, what can I do for you?”

“Look Trevor, I understand you might have trouble understanding me, but this is urgent!” Brain stepped through the door and inspected the room. It was neatly organized with complicated math equations, ancient artifacts and sciency-science equipment. What a crazy loon.

“I have to win back the object of my affection!”

“Courting the ladies, I see. Just make sure not to put too much faith in them. Women are evil by nature. What would you like me to do?”

“Cast a spell to make her like me or something, I don’t know, you’re pretty old but pretty magical, you must know something useful!” Brian was clearly losing patience with this senile old man.

“I know-I’ll make you transform into dragon!” Trevor thought turning someone into a dragon would be quite funny.

“What level?” Brian was getting enthusiastic.

“89! And you can breath fire!”

“Ok go!” Trevor turned Brian into a lv. 89 fire-breathing dragon.

“This pwns.” With that, Brian soared into the sky to meet his destiny.

Meanwhile in the vampire corral, Midnight Lightning and her centaur boy-toy were having a splendid time discussing the Baroque art of Caravaggio and the poetry of Walt Whitman at the local Cafe Kool.

“I just really dig Caracci’s style more though. It’s really just my kind of bag.” He was as worldly as he was suave.

“Yeah seriously.”

Suddenly Brian the lv. 89 fire-breathing dragon appeared in the door of the cafe! And he was quite enraged!

“Cool it baby, I got this.”

The lv. 89 fire-breathing dragon cried out in anger. “I love you Midnight Lightning! Can’t you realize we’re meant to be together! It’s written in the stars! Or at least a tree we carved into and ensured the contraction of a disease due to a lack external protection! Let’s run away and get married on a beach my apple dumpling! Also Francis I’m going to rip your liver out with a chainsaw, smash it with a hammer, then feed it to you. Then punch you.”

Francis recovered from the brutal verbal onslaught and responded. “Fine. We’ll run a winner-take-all cagematch. Except I got no cage. You’re endsville Brian!”

Brian the lv. 89 fire-breathing dragon flared his lv. 89 nostrils. “Ok fine. 3-2-1-GO!” He immediately caught poor Francis off-guard with his lv. 89 fire-breath. The bright flames engulfed the helpless centaur in a ball of living hell. He killed him. Then ate him and spit out his hair. It was a wig, ragged and torn by Brian’s lv. 89 teeth.

Midnight Lightning was upset. “I can’t believe you did that. You’re really mean. I’m not talking to you until you call me 50 times and buy me some cheap plastic crap.”

Brian was taken aback. “You mean I turned into a lv. 89 dragon for no reason? And…kinda ate someone? Don’t you love me?”

Midnight Lightning raised her head. He eyes were overflowing with tears over a lost hot guy. Her perviously lush hair now hung raggedly in grief. She kept her head low and muttered slowly…

“Basically no.”

Brian stumbled wildly. He saw his insignificant life flash before him in IMAX 3D. The soundtrack was good. All the blood and sweat and tears he had shed, and killed centaurs, had been for nothing? His life was over. He did the unthinkable-blame it on someone else.

“TREVOR! I’m coming for you!”

Luckily the wise wizard was very wise and had bugged the entire town years earlier. He decided to send his favorite Pegasus, Bootsy, to go drop some mustard gas on the area, as a “pre-emptive strike.”

Brian stumbled to where Midnight Lightning lay in fear.

“Midnight Lightning I’m so sorry! Please! You must love me!” Then he heard the flapping of Bootsy’s wings. He turned his head and spotted the dangerous Pegasus directly over him, then a yellow gas spray from an attached sprinkler.

“Midnight Lightning-you have to listen to me! That mean-looking Pegasus just dropped mustard gas! It’s now or never! And that Francis was kinda kooky anyway.”

Midnight Lightning looked in his eyes. Hers were filled with love and admiration for her brave soldier.

“Brian…I’ll…I’ll…you’re kinda cute…” Her voice was faltering.

By then the mustard gas had lowered to the ground.

“This is it Brian…I…I…” Her eyes were losing their luster.

A voice boomed from the sky. It sounded like Trevors.

‘HEY! THE EFFECTS OF MUSTARD GAS DON’T OCCUR UNTIL FOUR HOURS AFTER EXPOSURE! You’re not dead yet!”

Brian heaved a sigh of relief. “So what do you want to do for four hours until we develop fatal blisters?”

“Oh I don’t know…Let’s just cuddle. For four hours. I think it’ll be cute.”

“Anything for you my dear.” He held her in his dirty lanky arms until they developed fatal blisters and died.

The wise wizard was perched in his surveillance headquarters. He was eating a buttered poppyseed muffin and admiring Bootsy.

“I would’ve liked to have conversed with Francis about fine topics, like maybe his favorite British tea. Oh well. Be a dear Bootsy, go and bury or destroy the carcasses.”

The winged horse spread its ivory wings and began to gallop down the tiny room. He leaped gracefully from the window and caught an air column, majestically soaring against the dark violet sky towards the blistered carcasses of the star-crossed lovers.

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February 28, 2008

Walden in the Modern World

Filed under: Humor, Life — mikeyc252 @ 8:26 pm

For Humanities I had to do a literature project from the 1800’s. Since I love Thoreau, I picked Walden. I made a video comparing his lifestyle with ours. This video is half interview, a quarter me talking, and a quarter YouTube videos. Its full of lulz. It’s 8 minutes long and I turn it in Friday.

February 14, 2008

Subtle Ad Humor

Filed under: Humor — mikeyc252 @ 11:43 pm

I won’t circle anything. See if you can find the irony.
Ad irony

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